After years of being in a relationship what do you really know about your partner?  When couples first meet, they are excitedly drawn to every aspect of their partner’s life. They ask each other everything and delight in the details.   Do you assume that you still know their favourite movies, friends, colours, books? Do you know what worries them? Do you know what their dreams are and whether your dreams as a couple have changed?

All too often we know more about our friends than our partner. We will sit down with friends and take the time to ask them about their lives and to listen to their responses with great interest adding our own viewpoint and suggestions. However, when we are with a partner it’s more about household finances, what has to be done around the house, and what the children need.  The individuality of our partner, ourselves, and of the couple is often lost in an exhaustive daily, weekly, and monthly to-do list.  Nurturing your relationship with your loved one should be the top priority on that list!

Knowing Your Partner’s World

Often in therapy it is evident that couples are not updated on how their partner has changed over the years.  All too frequently the expectation is that the relationship will take care of itself without too much effort. The result is that chasm between the couple grows as the lack of interest and curiosity wanes.

Renowned for their research on relationships, Drs John & Julie Gottman discuss the importance of building love maps which they believe is an integral part of building a strong connection.  Knowing your partner’s inner world forms part of the foundation on which to build your relationship.

The following statements may be helpful in terms of gauging whether you think your partner knows your world and whether you know theirs:

• My partner knows what worries me
• My partner knows what makes me happy
• My partner knows my hopes and dreams
• My partner knows the people I like to spend time with and the ones I’d prefer to see less frequently.

Learn More About Your Partner

If you are left thinking that this is an area that needs attention then share your thoughts with your partner. There’s a good chance they will feel the same way as you. If you both reflect on current conversations, it’s likely they revolve around matters other than the two of you.  Prioritise times in your diaries when you can sit down together and ask questions of each other. This can be done on a date night or at home. You might want to each think of some questions and then both answer them about each other such as:

• Name two people I most admire
• Name one of my favourite novels
• What did I think about you when we first met?
• Where did we have our first kiss?
• What was I wearing when we first met?
• What’s my favourite movie?
• What is my greatest fear?

Remember you can be as creative as you want with your questions. Some other ideas include just asking the following questions of each other:

• If you could witness any event, be it the past, present or future, what would it be?
• Name 5 people you would like to invite to dinner (could be famous people)
• If you could go back in time, what is one piece of advice you would give your younger self?
• What is the one thing that makes you really feel alive?What’s a perfect day for you?
• If you had a superpower for one day, what would it be?
• What’s your fondest memory as a child?

The questions can be as humorous and serious as you want. Most importantly when you make the time for an activity like this, you bring the focus back to the couple. Not only does this strengthen your relationship but your children will benefit from the closeness built between their parents. It will serve as a role model to them that relationships are priority and need ongoing attention and care. For the couple, it may even result in a renewed attraction and remind you of why you were drawn to each other in the first place.