It’s not what I say...
Behaviour is a form of communication. Children act out their feelings and needs through their behaviour.
Often adults get caught in the trap of addressing the surface behaviour before considering what is underneath or driving the behaviour. The “driver” is commonly the emotional experience. Often, children do not know what it is that is upsetting them—only that there is a big feeling inside of them, and that something needs to happen to make it go away. In the face of these overwhelming feelings and lacking effective coping strategies, children tend to react instinctively, expressing their distress through physical actions and behaviours.
Tuning In
Attunement is the ability to “read” (understand) your children’s cues and respond in a way that helps them manage their emotions. When a caregiver is attuned, he or she can respond to the emotion underlying a child’s actions, rather than reacting to the most distressing behaviour. What do their actions tell you about their needs, what’s hard and what’s happening for them?
Putting on your detective hat
Attunement requires caregivers to be “feelings detectives.” Every child gives cues that help signal what might be going on. Learn your child’s communication strategies. Pay attention to what they look like, sound like, etc. when they are angry? Sad?
When your detective skills indicate that something is troubling your child, it's time to take action. But what kind of action should you take? Often, the immediate instinct is to solve the child's problems or encourage them to find solutions themselves. However, sometimes the most crucial action is to simply be there, provide support, and to help children name, understand, and regulate their feelings. Only after this emotional support can children progress toward resolving their issues. When we listen, understand and give empathy, it validates our children’s experience, shares the burden, and helps them regulate their emotions.
There is certainly no situation that is straightforward. No caregiver can be attuned at all times. The goal is not to be the “perfect parent,” but to try—more times than not—to understand the feelings driving children’s behaviour.
