Emotional abuse is any nonphysical behaviour that aims to control, intimidate, subjugate, demean, punish, or isolate another person. While most people typically associate physical violence with intimate partner violence, the reality is that much more often the abuse is emotional and verbal. Emotional abuse is very painful and incredibly detrimental to a person’s self-esteem. Slowly but steadily the insults, criticism, and accusations chip away at the victim’s confidence until they feel they can no longer trust their own judgment or perception of reality.

Power and control

When one partner is constantly asserting their will on another, we see this as being abusive. There are many ways control occurs without one having to resort to physical violence. Often the possibility of physical harm is enough to silence a partner even if the aggressor never resorts to physical violence. In my practice, I have seen numerous examples of a partner imposing control on the other, including monitoring their food intake, limiting their social interactions, threatening to punish them, denying access to various resources such as finances and healthcare, or making major family decisions without consulting their partner.

A pattern of behaviours

It is important to note that arguments and relationship fallouts do not equal abuse. What defines emotional abuse is a clear, consistent pattern of controlling, hurtful or condescending behaviour. There is a particular purpose behind this type of behaviour – to control the other and subjugate them to the controller’s needs. You can read here for a comprehensive list of behaviours that constitute emotional abuse.

A cycle of abuse

The nature of intimate partner abuse is repetitive and cyclical. Typically, there is a phase where tension builds up and the partner on the receiving end reports constantly feeling like they are walking on eggshells. Eventually, some type of verbal or physical assault follows after which there is a period of remorse and possibly reparation acts, mixed in with various justifications for the assault. Partners may find that with time the cycle becomes shorter and crises more frequent, or they may not even be followed by a remorseful phase.

Fear and shame

Fear is the main feature of abuse and it can be maintained in countless ways. While angry and intimidating behaviour is the most obvious tactic, even gestures, a word in a certain tone or a significant glance can create fear in a partner. In addition, the constant shame and self-blaming that the abused partner experiences serve to maintain the silence and prevent them from seeking external support.

Warning Signs in a Relationship

• Too much, too soon:  The relationship intensifies very quickly, you move in together within weeks of meeting or your partner declares their love on the second date. Other behaviours include buying expensive gifts from early on and insisting on family introductions very quickly.
• Unfounded jealousy:  This can include constantly accusing a partner of flirting or even cheating despite constant reassurances to the contrary; repeated checking up and requiring access to their phone and social media accounts; and claims that the partner restricts any social interactions that have not been approved by the suspicious partner.
• Restrictions on social life:  This is a very common occurrence in abusive relationship as it allows the abusive partner to isolate the other from sources of support. Common behaviours are objecting to time spent with the other partner’s family and friends, as well as discouraging them from pursuing their interests and activities.
• Failure to take responsibility:  The abusive partner fails to consider their role in anything and is always ready to blame the other. One of my clients, for example, worked two jobs and supported three kids while her husband refused to look for work for months yet he kept making her feel like she was the incapable one.
• Warning signs from past relationships:  A history of failed relationships where the person claims that it was always the other at fault.

How Can Counselling Help A Person Experiencing Emotional Abuse

The first and perhaps biggest step in confronting emotional abuse is to recognise it for what it is and name it as such. The main effects of being emotionally abused are low self-esteem, constant self-doubt and a tendency to blame yourself for anything that goes wrong. Counselling can help people understand better the dynamics of abusive relationships and assist them to review their choices (or lack of such).

Through therapy people develop new strategies to confront the abuse and if necessary, find the strength, resources and support to leave the relationship. The goal is to strengthen a person’s self-esteem and their ability to set firm boundaries on what THEY deem acceptable in a relationship. Please note: relationship counselling is NOT recommended or helpful when abuse is identified.

Useful Links and Resources:

Blame Changer by Carmel O’Brien
Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft
www.1800respect.org.au
www.starhealth.org.au/services/family-violence/
www.wire.org.au
www.thelookout.org.au/survivors-friends-family