Being a parent is the most challenging experience at the best of times, let alone when your child is suffering from an eating disorder (ED). It will take all of your might to not scream when your child continuously refuses to eat or is secretive at meal times.

You’re not alone, even though it most likely feels like you are!

As a parent, it can be difficult to know how to best support your child when they are struggling with an eating disorder and it is normal to feel helpless and scared. With the right support however, recovery is possible!

It is crucial that your child is linked in with a comprehensive treatment team that specializes in eating disorders, including, a GP/paediatrician, psychiatrist, dietician and a psychologist as early as possible, as eating disorders are much easier to treat when they are in their infancy and managed by a highly skilled treatment team.

The below strategies are focused on equipping you with the tools to ‘emotionally’ support your child throughout their eating disorder journey and should only be utilized in conjunction with a behavioural and/or family based treatment approach.

Your child is not the problem, the eating disorder is!

• It is important to view the ED as separate from your child. Your child is not the ‘problem’, the ED is!
• There is a ‘part’ of your child that is unwell and being influenced by the ED but there is also a ‘healthy’ part of your child that needs to continue to strengthen in order to recover.
• When your child engages in eating disordered behaviours, try as best you can to remind yourself that your child is feeling ‘stuck’ and suffering deeply (it is like they have a demon sitting on their shoulder constantly telling them that they are not worthy of eating and that they are not sick enough!), try to connect with the ‘healthy’ part of your child and encourage ‘accountability’ (“Let’s reflect on what led to the ‘slip up’ What could we do differently next time?” – remember that you’re a team!) and get back on track as quickly as possible.

Empathy and connection is the antidote to shame…

• It is inevitable that your child will experience setbacks throughout their ED journey (recovery is definitely not linear!). Keep in mind that secrecy and deception is very common and a symptom of your child’s illness rather than the true essence of your child.
• It can be helpful to (1) take a few deep breaths to regulate your own nervous system, (2) focus on ‘connecting’ and empathizing with your child and (3) hold your boundary (e.g. “It’s really awful to have to do something you don’t want to do. I get it. If I was terrified to do something and my parents were asking me to do it, I would feel so scared and confused too. I love and care about you. We cannot leave the table until you finish your meal” or “I know you don’t want to finish your meal. That makes sense. If I were in your shoes, I wouldn’t want to finish my meal either. You’re allowed to feel angry. You’re not alone in this. I’m here with you. Let’s play cards together until you finish your meal”).
• It can also be helpful to encourage your child to eat whilst you are playing cards (e.g. “One more bite”). If your child is struggling with an urge to binge or purge, you might encourage them by letting them know that an urge reduces over time and suggest playing a game together for the next 30 minutes until the urge subsides.
• Remember to use “I” statements, rather than “you” statements (e.g. “I’m really worried about you” rather than “You’re lying to me!”).
• It is important to create an emotionally safe environment where your child feels comfortable to ‘turn to you’. If your child tells you the truth about skipping a meal, binge eating or purging, acknowledge your child’s courage to be honest and respond with empathy rather than criticism. It can be helpful to remember a time when you felt guilt or shame about making a mistake and remember how it felt to talk about it.
• It is vital to remember that criticism will likely leave your child feeling shame and this will only strengthen the ED and negatively impact your connection with your child. Keep in mind… The ED thrives off ‘being alone’ with your child and your child feeling shame. Remember… empathy and connection is the antidote to shame.

Soothe before solve…

• In addition to focusing on connection and empathy, validating your child’s feelings is important (e.g. “That makes sense to me” “Your feelings are valid” “I would feel the same way” “You’re not alone” “I believe you” “It’s hard to finish your meal when you are feeling so scared”). Be mindful of inserting in the word ‘but’ (e.g. “Your feelings are valid but you need to stop lying”) as this can undo your hard work.
• When your child is in distress and you ‘soothe’ them by allowing space for their feelings and validating their experience, they feel less alone, more connected to you and less dependent on their ED.
• Once your child is feeling ‘soothed’ and emotionally regulated, it can be helpful to then ask your child if they would like your assistance in ‘solving’ the problem (it is OK if your child’s answer is “no” – you may have already met your child’s needs through listening to them and validating their experience).
• Share your own experiences with your child (when you are vulnerable and show your child that you are not perfect, they then have permission to show up as their authentic self too!).

Make regular deposits into your child’s emotional bank account!

• Make plenty of time to have fun and engage in non-ED related activities with your child and as a family unit (e.g. play a board game, watch a movie together, go on walks or go away for the weekend).
• Spend ‘quality’ time with your child (try to get to know your child on a deeper level through actively listening and enquiring about their inner world). Be mindful of reducing the ‘quality’ time that you spend with your child as they are getting better as this can unintentionally reinforce the ED and your child may receive the message that they are only worthy of love and connection when they are unwell.
• Reassure your child that you love them unconditionally and share with your child your favourite memories of them.
• Conflict is inevitable, however ‘repairing’ any ruptures is important in maintaining a strong connection with your child. It is vital that you apologize and take responsibility for your ‘part’ in the conflict (e.g. “I’m sorry that I yelled at you. I was feeling really scared and helpless. Can we try that conversation again?”).
• Try to focus more on ‘connecting’ rather than ‘correcting’ (remember… you can be warm and firm at the same time!).

Take care of you…

• It can be helpful to attend parent ED support groups and see your own psychologist to ensure that you are feeling well supported. This will help your child recover, as you will feel less alone and better equipped to manage the ED.
• Focus on establishing your own ‘self-care’ foundation (i.e. daily meditation, yoga, journaling, socializing and exercise).
• It takes a village to support your child. Lean on your supports and don’t be afraid to ask for help!

Supporting your child through an ED is one of the loneliest, most gruelling experiences that you will ever face. However, with the right support and a multifaceted, evidence-based approach, recovery is possible!

Remember, the ED is no match for your ‘super-power’ – your connection with your child!

For more support, contact the Butterfly Foundation on 1800 33 4673 or visit their website https://butterfly.org.au