This is one of the most common questions I get asked. It goes something like this: "I don’t have anything really terrible in my life, there are people far worse off than me, so why aren’t I happy? What’s wrong with me?"
Firstly, there is nothing wrong with you, but there is something unhelpful about the way you are thinking. The thinking error you are experiencing is the idea that anyone could remain in one emotional state for any length of time. You see, happiness is just an emotion like any other.. sadness, anxiety, fearfulness, jealousy, boredom, etc. Emotions are transient not fixed states. This means that we only feel any one of them for a relatively short amount of time.
No one lives in a permanent state of happiness. That bears repeating…. No one lives in a permanent state of happiness.
Wouldn’t it be nice to be happy all the time though? Actually if we were happy all the time it would become meaningless. Emotions only have meaning because they are many and varied. If we have felt sadness or pain in our lives then when we feel happy we really know it. We can recognise it as a vastly different feeling than sadness/pain.
As Mark Twain famously put it:
“What is joy without sorrow? What is success without failure? What is a win without a loss? What is health without illness? You have to experience each if you are to appreciate the other. There is always going to be suffering. It’s how you look at your suffering, how you deal with it, that will define you.”
So when clients ask me “why can’t I be happy?” I talk to them about contentment and finding moments of joy. Happiness seems to be an elusive construct that is quite problematic. In searching for it we are doomed to be unhappy! So instead of worrying about happiness perhaps ask yourself “how content am I with my life right now? “What brings me joy?”. If you feel reasonably content but struggle to think of what brings you pleasure then think about what sort of things have brought you pleasure in the past? Are they things you can re-engage with?
It seems to me (and many others) we’ve all lost our way a bit throughout the pandemic and many enjoyable activities or parts of our lives have dropped away. Can you start some of those activities again? Or find some new ones? What’s stopping you? If we focus on contentment, satisfaction, and moments of pleasure/joy and stop torturing ourselves with the endless pursuit of the happiness it is bound to boost our overall sense of well-being.
Where to start
- Manage your stress through exercise and meditation/relaxation.
- Get out into nature – breathe some fresh air.
- Connect with others – friends, family, or maybe join a class/group.
- Try something new – perhaps something you’ve always wanted to try but have been too scared to, something fun!
- See a psychologist to work on letting go of the past and moving forward, developing strategies to go from surviving to thriving.
If none of these ideas seem even remotely possible for you see your G.P. to discuss your mental health and to develop a plan to move forward.
