As a relationship therapist I often hear couples report that there is too much conflict in their relationship and that they want to know how to communicate better to avoid conflict.

The headline news is that there will always be conflict. It’s not so much the conflict that is the problem but rather the lack of repair. Relationship experts John & Julie Gottman state in their recent book Fight Right “One of the major ways the masters of love keep conflict on track is through repair”.

If you reflect back on how conflict was managed growing up in your family, you may recall that managing conflict was a real challenge. There might have been high levels of emotion expressed through loud voices, sharp tones and harsh words. There may also have been silence where speaking up was perhaps discouraged or even feared. You didn’t see resolution in a way that made you or other family members heard or understood. Possibly you seldom or never witnessed any apologies or accountability being expressed.  Life may have just carried on as if nothing had happened but on the inside people were carrying deep levels of hurt, resentment and regret. Unfortunately, these models of conflict can become our templates for managing conflict in future relationships.

Working together as a couple to have a plan about how to manage conflict is a great first step. This will help you gain control over the negative pattern that emerges, rather than it controlling you.

The following points should be considered and included in your plan:

• Both partners agree to take accountability to call time-out when conflict arises. It can even be helpful to decide on a suitable word (humourous if appropriate) significant to both partners that signifies the need to slow down and implement the steps in the plan.
• Calling time-out means you both agree to put a hold on whatever conflict has emerged and separately find a way to regulate your nervous systems. This could be going for a walk, playing a musical instrument or any activity that soothes you. It’s important you agree on a time to return so that neither partner feels abandoned. It could be 20-60 minutes.
• During this time, it is helpful to reflect on the following questions:
  • What is hurting for me on the inside? This is about the deeper emotions you are experiencing rather than the reactions (often criticism, defensiveness or contempt) which may have been expressed during the conflict.
  • What do I need in this moment? What is my longing?
  • How can I share this with my partner in a way that they can hear me. This is about showing your vulnerability. Carefully consider your choice of words and your tone of voice. Imagine how what you have to say will heard by your partner and how it can positively impact your relationship.

• When you return to discuss what happened for each of you remember how important it is to show your vulnerability. You will be sharing how it was for you without blame or criticism. The ability to listen to your partner’s experience without interruption or disagreement is crucial to the success of repair. Acknowledging with empathy how they felt can be very healing.

Repair can be challenging, and it may not always work out the way you planned. Be patient as you learn a new way of being in your relationship which will ultimately strengthen your bond.

If you have children they will bear witness to this healthy model of repair thereby gifting them their template which they will carry with them into future relationships.