No is a complete sentence. The word no is enough, it doesn’t require justification or explanation. So why is it so hard to say? And why do we feel the need to justify and apologise if we do say it?
The answer, in a nutshell, is because it makes us feel ‘bad’. Feeling bad in the context of saying no, usually means we feel guilt or some other form of discomfort. Saying no can feel awkward so it’s easier to just say yes, except that every time we do that we chip away at our own emotional and mental well-being.
As children we are taught to comply. What happened when you were a child and you were asked to do something, for example, brush your teeth? Did you feel like you could say no? What happened if you did say no? Did your parent shrug their shoulders and say “ok, that’s fine”?? Probably not. As kids we have to follow certain rules and routines. We learn very early that answering no to requests by parents, teachers, other authority figures is not really okay and comes with a variety of (usually unpleasant) consequences. If your parent reacted with anger, or hurt/disappointment then you most likely figured out that the best thing to do was to comply to future requests. You might have become the good child.
When you reached adulthood you got to do things like learn how to drive but you didn’t get to learn how to say no. There are no assertiveness classes we are automatically enrolled in when we transition into adulthood. Somehow we are just supposed to magically know how to say no but actually it takes practice (and a bit of courage!). You see, it is not your job to
make everyone around you feel comfortable, it is your job to take care of yourself. That’s not to say we can’t or shouldn’t care for others but if someone else is uncomfortable because you said no it is not your job to fix it for them.
Saying yes keeps the other person content; it avoids conflict or confrontation; it doesn’t rock the boat but does saying yes keep you content? Often when people say yes when they
really mean no they end up feeling overwhelmed and resentful. So how can you learn how to say no?
Tune in to yourself
Do you feel:
- Overloaded because what you are being asked to do is beyond your current capacity.
- Uncomfortable or you feel like your boundaries are being crossed.
- Obligated, i.e., it’s not something you want to do but *have* to do.
- People pleasing: you want the other person to be pleased and think well of you.
These are signs that you may need to say no.
Take a beat
Take a minute before responding. Whilst you’re learning how to be assertive I suggest saying to the person making the request that you need to think about it and can you get back to them. People rarely push back on this but if they do it is a very clear sign that they are not respecting your boundaries and it is even more reason to say no.
Taking a beat means giving yourself some time to really think the request through. Are you up to the task? Do you have the capacity for it? Is it appropriate?
Ask yourself some questions
What’s the worst thing that could happen if I say no?
How likely is that outcome?
The thing people tell me they worry about the most is that the other person will feel let down by them and won’t like them anymore. To assess whether this is a realistic concern you might imagine that the roles are reversed. How would you feel if you asked someone to do something and they said no? The most common response I get to that is that it would be
completely fine and that they would ask someone else or find another way. Basically that it would be no big deal. So why would it be such a big deal if you said no?
Think about how to say No
People who are inexperienced in saying no benefit from thinking about how they’ll say it.
- Start small – practice saying no to small requests where the stakes are low.
- Be clear and concise – if you seem unsure or apologetic you might give the impression you could be persuaded to say yes. Keep it as simple as possible; don’t
overexplain or justify.
- Be respectful/grateful – respect the person’s right to ask as much as your right to say no. Sometimes gratitude is warranted; it might be appropriate to say “thanks for
asking/thinking of me”.
- Don’t back down – just because you have learnt to be assertive doesn’t mean others will appreciate it and respond as you desire. They might push back because they are used to the old you. Hold your ground. Use the broken record technique of just repeating the short statement that includes the no
Changing behaviour can be difficult. It might feel uncomfortable at first but perhaps think of it like growing pains. You know the old adage: no pain, no gain. Sometimes we have to
experience discomfort and just let it sit there until it passes. It won’t always feel so hard. Once you recognise the value of your own well-being you will start to see that learning to say no is a form of self-care that will improve your energy and mental health.
